Children of Isra'El: Ruben and Bilhah
"And it came to pass, while Israel dwelt in that land, that Ruben went to lay with Bilhah his father's concubine; and Israel heard of it." -Genisis, 35:22
"If Ruben had found me, I would have watched my curse wrap itself around his neck, unleashing a lifetime of unspent passion and unspoken declarations of love for Bilhah and hers for him. When the dam broke, they went breathlessly into each other's arms, embracing in the fields, under the stars, and even inside Bilhah's own tent. They were the truest lovers, the very image of the Queen of the Sea and her Lord-Brother, made for each other yet doomed for it." -The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
I love her. Though it goes against everything I know to be good, right and proper; though it goes against my duty as son and heir and man, I love her.
I couldn't tell you where it began. When my father married Rachel and was given Bilhah as a handmaiden as well, I was still a child, a stubborn boy who thought he was old enough to take care of himself, though she herself was barely older than I was. But I grew, of course, into a stupid teenager attracted to anything in a skirt, and I suppose it all began there. It wasn't the same, though, not like the other women, not like my wife, even. It was more than attraction, it was tenderness, care, an almost-violent desire to reach out a hand to her. It was different, somehow, the feelings I developed for sweet, charming, kind Bihah, the feelings that I forced to stay in my heart, too far away to explore, let alone understand.
Until now.
*****
My life, like the lives of all people, has been full of choices and life-altering decisions. But unlike others, the choices in my life have never been mine to make, not by me, Bilhah, youngest daughter of Laban, concubine and last-minute wedding present to Jacob. The simple decisions of where to go, what to do, where to stay have never been my own; I have never expected for it to be any different.
Then Ruben fell into my arms professing his love, and suddenly, for the first time, a decision existed for me to make. Years ago, Ruben, though my nephew, had been like a little brother, then a handsome young man, then slowly a confidant, as I began to tell him little, silly secrets and gossip from my sisters and the other wives.
So when he came to me and whispered that he loved me, that he had always loved me, it felt more right than anything I had ever done before, though the thought had never crossed my mind until that moment, to say that the same was true for me. And now that I have him, I am happy for the first time in my life. I am exhilarated by him, and by my new role as a woman who is truly loved.
This can only end badly, I know somewhere in my heart. Jacob cannot be ignorant of us forever, and once he finds out it will destroy both of us. But at least this time we have decided for ourselves to be destroyed, and to go down with our hearts open to each other.